


Two Old Coots

by sofyachy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dirty Talk, Fluff, Flying Sex, Foot Fetish, Growing Old Together, Harry Potter Epilogue Compliant, Humor, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Magical Tattoos, Mile High Club, Old Age, Parselmouth Harry Potter, Parseltongue, Tattoos, the children are embarrassed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 21:28:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20070862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sofyachy/pseuds/sofyachy
Summary: On their 50th anniversary, Harry and Draco are a couple of old coots who no longer care what they tell other people about their relationship, to their kids’ mortification. Gather round, children; it’s inappropriate story time.





	Two Old Coots

**Author's Note:**

> This is a silly little something I threw together to exorcise the ideas from my head. Enjoy!

“I still remember the first time I brought Harry back to my bedroom at the Manor,” Draco told his grandchildren, a little smile sneaking onto his face. “Of course, he had to complain about it. ‘_ THIS _ is your bedroom?!’” he continued in an overwrought imitation of Harry’s voice.

“It just looked so normal,” Harry added, laughing. “I expected you to be the type with silk sheets and 300-year-old furniture at the least.”

“Right, we all know you were expecting some sort of Malfoy dark arts sex dungeon.” A teenage girl with brown hair snickered.

“So then Draco says, ‘What were you expecting, rose petals for the Bloody Savior?’” Harry addressed their audience again, this time doing an impression of a patented Draco Malfoy sneer. Draco snorted.

“But the next time,” Harry continued, “There were silk sheets AND rose petals--”

“Sarcastically strewn, of course.”

“Of course,” Harry smiled at him. That was his Draco. They were both in their nineties, but some things never changed.

“Oi, Uncle Harry and Draco?” A young, twentysomething boy with bright red hair gave them a wicked grin. “Grampa George said to ask you about Stefan.”

Harry hooted. Draco chuckled softly. “Right,” Harry began, “It all started with a dirty joke. Draco has always had a thing for Parseltongue, so one day he asked if it would work on trouser snakes--”

“_ You _ brought it up,” Draco interjected.

“Whichever one of us said it,” Harry continued, rolling his eyes in a way that indicated he still thought his first statement was the correct one. “Draco really seemed to like this idea, so I decided to test it.” A few of the girls grinned at each other.

“It didn’t work, but Draco being who he is, he was happy to just let me make a fool of myself by talking dirty to his cock in English.”

“It was still bloody hot.”

“Right. So this went on for several months before I finally figured it out.”

“And then he stopped, and that was no fun.” Draco added petulantly. “Something had to be done, so I went to Madame Inkwell’s tattoo parlor in Knockturn Alley and asked her if she could tattoo anywhere on the body.”

“He asked for a tattoo of a snake coiled around his cock. Said it had to look good whether he was erect or not, and it had to be _ flirty. _”

“She almost threw me out of the shop then and there,” Draco added, “Told me she didn’t run a ‘happy endings massage parlor,’ in her words. I had to do some fast talking to convince her.” 

“She must have been intrigued by the challenge because she did it,” Harry continued. “_ And _ she hung a picture of it in her shop gallery. I went in sometime later to get my Hungarian horntail tattoo and saw it on the wall, so I took the opportunity to talk to it. That’s when I told her his name was Stefan. Anyway, Madame Inkwell was happy to know that her design worked out so well, even in the photo.”

“Even though she already knew that much, since I’d given her a huge thank-you bouquet of flowers after you first found it.”

Harry laughed. “Right, she did mention that in her article, didn’t she?”

“Article? What article?” A girl asked.

“There was an article in _ Witch Weekly _ sometime after I got the tattoo,” Draco explained, “They were asking people to submit unusual sex stories.”

“Madame Inkwell wrote in to tell about the one time she’d had a customer come in and ask for a snake on his cock, because he was dating a Parselmouth,” Harry continued, then grinned at Draco. “She said you cried like a baby, even after taking three pain-numbing potions--”

“Well, it _ hurt _\--” 

“And that she wasn’t sure if it would have been worth all the trouble for him, until he came in a week later with a shit-eating grin and that giant bouquet.” 

“_Definitely _ worth it.” 

“Well, she also wrote about how the Parselmouth in question had come into the shop and told her the snake’s name was Stefan. She thankfully kept our names out of it, but of course our friends were able to put two and two together.”

“They teased us mercilessly.”

Harry looked thoughtfully at his husband. “What would you have done, if it hadn’t worked out between us?”

“Like there was any chance of that! I just knew.” Draco smiled and grabbed Harry’s hand. Their hands were old and wrinkled now, with a few liver spots here and there. “There was always something about you, and once I had you back in my life, I wasn’t about to let you leave again.” 

The pair shared a private smile as they looked into each other’s eyes, before turning back to the others again. “Besides,” Draco added, “that tattoo is a work of art. You’re not going to see it in Madame Inkwell’s shop anymore since she retired and sold the business, but if you really want to see it--” 

“FATHER!” Scorpius had entered the room levitating a cake, and gave Draco a horrified look. “No one wants to see your penis!” 

“Speak for yourself, Son!” Harry shot back. 

“This is a _ family _ party,” Lily frowned at her dad and stepfather, and crossed her arms.

“Fine, fine,” Draco grumbled, “But you’re all missing out. It really is a work of art.”

“So we’ve heard. Many, many times already,” Scorpius muttered. 

The conversation died down while a few of Harry’s grandchildren passed around slices of a large cake in the shape of a snitch.

“You know what this cake reminds me of?” Harry asked Draco. 

“Please, let it not be something sexual,” James muttered to himself and took a swig of firewhiskey.

“Birthday cake,” Harry answered, laughing. 

Draco smirked. “Do you still remember your 54th birthday?”

“How could I forget?” Harry smirked back deviously. 

“It was Harry’s 54th birthday,” Draco began the story for his grandchildren, “and I thought I’d treat him to some Gryffindor-style sex for a change.” 

“Merlin help us,” Al sighed. Draco ignored him. 

“I had to think about this for a while to figure out what that could be, and then I remembered how much Harry likes flying. And apparently there’s this thing that muggles came up with called the ‘Mile-High Club’ for when they get in their airplanes and have a bit of fun up in the air,” he explained. 

“So I thought, since I was also a fantastic flyer back in my day--” 

“You really were, you know!” Harry interjected. “I always loved watching you when I got the chance--” 

“And I’m telling the story, so shut it,” Draco replied, but he grinned and continued. 

“I thought I’d take him out flying on our brooms and surprise him with a blow job.” 

“Father!” Scorpius whined. 

“Cut it out, this is _ romantic _!” Draco argued. “Anyway, It was going well, up until Harry starts pushing at me and yelling, ‘Get down, get down!’ And I think this is just him getting excited, so I keep going, until he shoves me really hard and I look up and see this massive muggle airplane come barreling right at us. It was so close I could even see the muggles staring at us through the window, and I think, ‘We’re going to die.’ We managed to dash out of the way just in time, but I’m shaking and scared out of my mind.”

Harry reached out and grabbed his hand again, and Draco smiled at him gently.

“We almost died,” he continued. “But then, this is Harry Bloody Potter we’re talking about, and almost dying just reminds him of the good old days when he was young and almost died on a regular basis. So while I’m still in shock from the ordeal, he whips out his wand and rattles off spell after spell. Next thing I know, I’m levitating above his lap while he’s on his broom, both our trousers down, and I’m hanging on to my own broom with my hands above my head. And then he’s hissing in my ear and all I can think is, ‘Thank Salazar for Stefan,’ because I’m not sure I would have survived Gryffindor Sex Night otherwise.” 

Harry guffawed. “You know you liked it,” he told his husband. “Needless to say, we _ both _ got inducted into the Mile-High Club that night.”

Lily sighed, shook her head, and poured herself another drink. “Dad, don’t you two have any stories that aren’t about sex?” 

“Of course, Sweetie,” Harry answered. A soft smile overcame the deep lines on his face. 

“Draco was there for me when your mother died,” he told her. Al’s and James’ heads perked up. 

“James, Al, and Lily were away at Hogwarts,” he continued, explaining to the grandchildren (and a few great-grandchildren who had snuck into the room when the responsible adults weren’t paying attention. “Draco had already lost his own wife, Victoria--” 

“Astoria,” Draco corrected. 

“Right, Astoria,” Harry continued, “So my kids, and Scorpius, thought we could keep each other company.” 

“I was apprehensive at first, because we hadn’t gotten along at all when we were in school,” Draco added. He looked down at their joined hands. “But I understood some of what you were going through. And I was just as lonely, all by myself in this giant manor.” he gestured with his free hand at the walls around them. 

Malfoy Manor had changed a lot over the years since the Dark Lord had occupied it. It was now a bright, cheerful place, where Draco and Harry were living out their retirement in their own wing separate from the one Scorpius occupied with his wife. The most recent generation of Malfoys had already grown up and chosen to live in London flats.

“I was apprehensive about you, too,” Harry confessed. “But after we started spending time together, I realized just how much you had changed -- how much we _ both _ had changed since school,” he clarified. 

“Do you remember when you first started to think you might be falling in love with me?” Draco asked.

Harry grinned. “I know exactly when,” he answered. “We were just sitting quietly in each other’s company, reading books on the couch, and then you took your shoes off.” 

Draco laughed. The kids who were still paying attention were giving Harry an odd look.

“You have to understand, I’d never seen him in anything less than formal attire before,” he explained. Draco scoffed. “No, really--” 

“You just weren’t used to dressing in anything other than extreme casual wear,” Draco retorted. 

“I was actually quite capable of dressing up,” Harry sniffed, addressing the kids rather than his husband. “But as I was saying, I’d never seen Draco without shoes on, ever, even when we were sitting around the house. And I realized that I liked it.” He grinned.

Draco smirked back at him. “You and your foot fetish,” he said. “Just think, if you weren’t so hard for my bare feet, we might not all be here today.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Harry answered. “All that time, you had been growing on me. If it weren’t your feet, it would have been something else to push us together.”

“And here we are now,” Draco grinned, holding both of his hands around Harry’s. “Two old coots.”

Harry joined his other hand with Draco’s. “Two old coots, still in love.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at posting in AO3. Please be gentle and don’t be afraid to comment or hit the Kudos button!


End file.
